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How to Alienate Your Woman: Worst Christmas Gifts Ever

Even the most practical woman on the earth likes to receive gifts that are not in the least bit practical:  chocolate, jewelry, a gift certificate for a massage  (wait, that could be considered practical, couldn’t it? After all, it’s for my health.  So is the chocolate.  Ahem.), etc.  It’s not that we don’t like practical things, it’s just that we want a gift to make us feel special.

Most men don’t seem to understand the special principle.  It’s not what you give us that really counts.  Maybe not even the thought.  It’s how special it makes us feel.  The least expensive, smallest gift can make a woman want to give her whole life to a man (or at least her whole evening), if it is sentimental enough to make her feel important.

On the other hand, even the most expensive gift, if it makes her feel, shall we say, not special, can make a woman want to throw dog food at her man.  And suggest a nice, quiet place in the backyard where he can eat it in private.

In case you men are confused, here are some things you should give your woman only if she has specifically asked you for it, or you have a taste for generic dog food:

  • a weight-reducing gadget of any kind
  • a how-to-clean DVD
  • a dieting book
  • jumper cables
  • an appliance
  • deodorant
  • a hair-cutting set, so you can save money by having her cut your hair
  • your old, cast off _______, so you can buy yourself one that is newer & better
  • a light bulb (Of any color.  Really.)
  • a piece of construction paper crookedly folded in half, with a note quickly scribbled on it on Christmas morning (even if she did say she wanted something homemade)
  • a half-eaten box of chocolates
  • a box of chocolates that you proudly announce you found by the roadside (even if it doesn’t look like roadkill…)
  • address return labels you got for free from Easter Seals
  • mouse traps (even if she really, really wants to get rid of the mice)
  • a box of fabric softener (even if you wrap it in gold paper with a shiny, red ribbon)
  • tickets to see a sports event that you would kill to see, and she would kill to avoid
  • money, with the instruction to “get yourself a haircut”
    (no, this is not the same as a gift certificate to an exclusive hair salon)

gift

 

So, what is one of the worst gifts YOU ever got?

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3 thoughts on “How to Alienate Your Woman: Worst Christmas Gifts Ever”

  1. Ok, I have to admit… I love my jumper cables. But my van battery randomly dies for no reason. My jumper cables have been heavily used. I’d actually like some that are a little longer because mine are short. Other than that, everything else? FORGET IT.

    Of course this year I think I’ve bought most of my gifts. We’ll see what happens Sunday. Right now I’m looking through the snow for Fed Ex. I want my pink RC Helo. LOL

    1. Yeah, if your van battery dies often, jumper cables definitely spell l-o-v-e. But a pink RC helo is a lot more fun. 🙂

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